thank god for love (this should have gone in my diary)
but it's on the internet instead?
I might be a cynical romantic, but it’s hard to experience awe amidst all the other ugly shit happening in the world. Sitting with the messiness of mortal fallibility is a challenging endeavour. Because I fuck up a lot. But damn! I’m glad I have people in my life who choose to love me, anyway.
I’ve been sitting with discomfort because part of my ~healing journey~ means embracing the wide spectrum of emotions instead of avoidance. When people hurt me, I used to be quicker to cutting them off and giving them zero access to me and my resources. When I slow down enough to catch this behaviour, I notice I still do this as a self-preservation mechanism. As I get older, I’ve become curious about natural rhythms and cycles. If the seasons change, why wouldn’t I expect relationship dynamics to mimic this process?
Open and non-monogamous dating shows me why many experienced polyamorists jokingly call themselves "relationship anarchists" or "post-polyamorists": Romance is incredibly difficult. At least three local couples have split up this past month, I've heard. I cling to the fragile hope of some future gain, a desperate grasp at straws against the rising tide of pointless effort.
I'm losing my patience. I used to have no sense of limits when I was younger, and my powerful emotions often excused poor choices, leading to self-inflicted hardship. My fear of losing others was so overwhelming that I would often betray myself. When I wasn't battling to speak, I grappled with the loneliness and pain that seems to always be present in toxic environments. Holding all those negative thoughts without having a concrete and healthy ways to express concern without jeopardizing the relationship proved a struggle. My defenses are stronger, my heart more resilient and agile. Still: I’m learning that it’s safer to walk away than stay in a relationship that sucks every drop of my life marrow.
I dread hard work, but I would endure it for love. I forged comfortable and collaborative relationships through dedication. My partners’ patience and insatiable curiosity during our courtship years remain deeply appreciated; I'll always remember their thoughtful questions and unwavering support. Our shared years are evidence of our deep love and strong bond.
In a few days, I'll be embarking on a week-long journey to Europe to reunite with my partner after nearly two years apart. Unfamiliar to those outside certain non-monogamous communities, a comet partnership resembles a distant relationship minus consistent contact. It's too difficult to explain my relationship with ☄️ comet! Our relationship is undefinable, even to us.
My much-anticipated trip planning, undertaken with my love, proved emotionally intense; I almost gave up repeatedly. In my 30s, I have become more aware of my emotional triggers, as I have spent the past few years exploring the complex layers of my subconscious. The process is both illuminating and sometimes unsettling. What about clues explaining my penchant towards fast attraction and slow commitment? During our two-year collaboration, my therapist and I developed some theories, yet lack conclusive answers. Instead, the reality is several theories patched up and sewn together in a haphazard, chaotic fashion.
Connections appear in certain seasons. Brief encounters sometimes ignite passionate, yet volatile bonds; the brevity of the time together amplifies the intensity of the emotions, leaving an unstable and unforgettable impression. Countless times, I've found that a fiery crush, untempered by genuine communication and shared experiences, inevitably fizzles out.
But some connections linger. The ones that do, and stick around for a long time? They change shape and stretch across time zones, silence, and our fumbling efforts to remain known to one another. My comet and I are not what we once were—but we are still something. We don’t need to define because we return to what we keep becoming.
I don’t believe in forever anymore. Maybe I never did. Even my spouse and I believe we could leave each other some day, but are grateful for each moment we choose to love one another. So, I may not believe in forever after, but I do believe in care and memory. Maybe what survives isn’t the fantasy of stability, but the small, sustained acts of choosing one another in whatever form feels right.
And maybe awe is still possible—found not in perfection, but in the choice to keep loving through the mess.
Thanks for reading Is This What You Want? If you’ve made it this far, I appreciate you deeply. If you’d like to support my work, I invite you to contribute one-time, weekly, monthly, or whatever feels right over at christalei.me/contribute—it helps me keep writing, creating, and breathing room into these messy, tender reflections. You can also support by sharing this publication with a friend or booking a peer support session with me (sliding scale available). Either way, I’m glad you’re here.
love this :’)) “We don’t need to define because we return to what we keep becoming.” I’m definitely on the RA train lol