I’m terrible at titling things, so hopefully this titillates you? 🤡
I’m terrible at titling things, so hopefully this titillates you? 🤡
Hi friends,
A letter from me as a way to express gratitude and love for putting up with my shit! It’s been a time, hasn’t it? It feels strange to write this to you all after a few months of pouring myself into my presentation. I felt weird writing an essay because of life circumstances, but I wanted to pen a letter because I’m learning to build a consistent practice of engagement and relationship with you all. And to thank you for sticking around.
It feels weird to have to put life on hold because of healing and other obstacles, but after three years of experiencing the worst symptoms of my life and doing everything I could in the meantime, I’m learning to listen to my body when it tells me to shut up and rest. For those who were unaware, I got into a car accident on Sunday— everyone involved is fine, but we’re all a little bruised and banged up— and have been recuperating in the meantime. It hasn’t been an easy summer, but shit, I can’t say it hasn’t been memorable.
While resting and at the start of a new season, I completed an entire journal! As I said on social media, it is full of entries from as early as February 2021– though the majority of the entries range from February 2024 to August 29, 2024. The once-gilded edges lost their former lustre, the binding warped and pages slowly coming apart at the seams. I store deposited checks and greeting cards in the front, tucking them close to my confessions. As I skim the contents, I realise this tome is a ledger of my worst symptoms over the last three years. It is an account of my body becoming more disabled, a testament to my ability to do everything possible and content with its laborious management anyway.
This book saw me grieve in ways I never imagined. It witnessed the unravelling of unhealthy habits, became a soft place for tears to land when I left an unhealthier relationship, and travelled with me to other places and times. This is the first journal I’ve completed from start to finish and the longest stretch of consistent writing for myself that I’ve experienced in decades! Bad habits are difficult to break, but good habits are even harder to create. It’s not lost on me that I finished this volume during such a crucial transition period in my life.
I joke often about entering my ✨healing era✨ when I’m unsure of what that even means. I can try as hard as I want, but I can’t deny that capitalism dangles health and wellness in front of the sick as precious commodities instead of inalienable rights. There’s also the matter of Western society’s focus on individualism and making sure a person is competent enough to utilise capitalism to benefit their health instead of providing social and community services and networks. On the other hand, the colonial-influenced approach of my ancestral culture of toxic positivity, avoidance and prayer as a form of healing isn’t something that resonates with me either. I also can’t deny my privilege in what this healing era looks like: l have good health insurance through a PPO/POS plan (which means I get to see my specialists without referrals),) my therapist is covered and I get to see them once a week, and I’ve curated a trusted health team after years of poor medical care. It doesn’t hurt that I also live in a family full of medical practitioners who used to offer unsolicited advice on my health before I set boundaries (and now they only provide advice when I ask! We love growth!) What a lot of people didn’t tell me, when I started this journey, was how painful and challenging it can be to heal.
The only time I think I’ve encountered a significant amount of warning was when I asked my therapist to recommend literature on c-PTSD or relational trauma. The selection of literature on this subject is aimed towards mental health practitioners and their clients, and if it isn’t— it’s overwhelmingly white and male-dominated. Therefore, no perspectives with which I desired to resonate or engage. Until a book I’d bought during the pandemic, What My Bones Know, by Stephanie Foo, found its way in my line of sight and I was finally prepared to read it in its entirety. (It’s an emotionally fraught read. I recommend it if you have a good support system and can take plenty of breaks.) Foo often references and quotes Gretchen Schmelzer’s Journey through Trauma, as she worked through the book herself. Schmelzer’s book is touted as a trail guide, and as such, she repeats herself with intention over and over, as if to hammer in the point: You cannot embark on this journey alone. It will be hard. You need to take breaks. You must prepare yourself. To be honest: I haven’t finished her book to completion because I’m too busy on the first few sections of my journey.
Healing isn’t linear either, as the age old adage goes. And so writing you all this letter amidst apocalypse is one of the bleaker things I’ve done, and yet, I persist. The frustrations of an increasingly bleak world compounded with my own personal transitions mean a lot of breaks and recalibrating, especially when it comes to support.
During my talk for Midwest Love Fest (which I gave virtually due to an endo flare,) I spoke about how support systems are built through consent and mutual respect. We’re also interconnected in many ways. Despite many of you not actually knowing me in real life, we’ve developed an intimacy of some sort, considering you are consuming my content… right? However, people who help me manage my daily care are those who know me well enough to be entrusted with such care. (And to be frank: those people should consent to trying their best with accepting the responsibilities that come with caretaking, if they choose!)
Which brings me to the conclusion of my letter: I’m caring for myself and choosing intentional rest. I’m going to do so with the support of my care team and loved ones, and hopefully with your support too? While I strive to post on a consistent basis, I’m trying to be more intentional with the quality of my work and I want to focus on writing and revising so that essays go out in a polished manner. I’m not sure how that’s going to look in the grand scheme of things, but expect more levity and shorter posts on weeks there aren’t any major featured essays. I’m also thinking of more community engagement and talking more about things I’m reading and seeing, sharing more work. We’ll see.
A couple fun collaborations and posts are coming up. I hope to have you come along with me on this journey and I’m hoping it’s okay for you if I hold off on the longer stuff for a little while longer. I’m still a novice, after all.
Always your friend on the internet (and maybe off?),
Christa x