I can't listen to Jamila Woods without crying now lol 🌻

More meditations on endings, grief and transitions

some reminders

Hi all! The 2024 Midwest Love Fest in Indianapolis happens in August this year, and I’m presenting a talk about how disability justice frameworks (care pods/constellations, wellness action recovery plans, etc.) can be applied to non-monogamy to decolonize the nuclear family and relationships.

If you use my code ‘CHRISTALEI,’ you get 10% off registration. If you do register, please let me know. If you have any non-monogamous or polyamorous (or fuck, even monogamous) friends who live in Indianapolis or nearby, share this with them!

As an aside: I’m taking a break from writing new content on my newsletter until I can get my presentation up and running. I’m also traveling a bunch, so no new content for a bit! This week’s missive was cobbled together from my Instagram musings. Some are old, most are new, all are me. By the time you read this, I’ll most likely be upstate with my spouse, frolicking in the fields or getting a massage. Enjoy x

---

When people ask me how I am, I tell them, “tender-hearted” because I do not know how else to describe the amount of pain it is to choose yourself amongst all else. My view of chosen family and love is decolonized from growing up in the Filipine diaspora. I was taught this abundance of care and love at an early age and passed it down to my younger cousins and family members. I learned I am someone who gives so fully and freely when I love someone, and while I expect nothing in return— maybe it is time to ask for reciprocation.

As a death doula, I know endings are inevitable. Things change shape and form before we know it, and sometimes that means realising the end is near (or here) before we know. The body does keep the score and even though I’m spiralling in a state of deep shame and loss over what was, returning home to it— even if it feels like it’s been trampled on and scribbled over and left unkempt by the last house guest— seems like a good way to move forward. I can still mourn over what was lost. I can still grieve deeply over this special love, one of a kind and uniquely ours.

I return to the book I started when I fell in love with a brilliant queer philosopher of time and soak in @mimizhuxiyuan’s words to grieve with the aches. I remind myself that we are all fallible humans trying to survive under capitalism and white supremacy, and sometimes it seems impossible to maintain those connections. And yet, I find myself leaning on my chosen family, and it is the most abundant source of love I can feel right now (other than myself.)

When I’m ready to integrate and move through this all, I know I’ll write more. But right now, I am trying my best to move forward and through. It’s hard because there are so many layers of this to break through and it feels like a big thing to let sit. So I will. As my platform outside of socials gets bigger, I want to set boundaries in that: I will talk about my personal life, and I will share what I see fit. Remember that my story IS my story. My truth and lived experiences are mine. And sometimes that means being vague and processing on my own. (Also: my side is just one side of the story, the narratives that may be running around.) Be kind. We are all hurting and trying to live.

---

Secure attachment is earned.
It is created and shaped by the parties involved. It takes hard work. With that hard work, you’re able to collaborate on what your love looks like, what it means to co-exist and live your lives together, and learn more about each other in the process. Attachment styles are fluid and while we may default to one, we might see that the work we put into others makes that particular relationship secure.

I can count the number of secure attachments I have in my life on one hand. I’m still working against my trauma and what I default to, and try my best to be honest and vulnerable and not scare others/scare myself off in the process. I thought one was solid, and in an instant, came crashing down. There is a lot of betrayal from that, and perhaps my body knew better than my mind did. There are parts of myself I don’t understand— and maybe I never will— but in healing, comes hard work and chances to practice. Why should I suffer when I am leading my life with integrity and love? Life is too short to dwell on what others think about me. The present feels bleak, but coming into small moments of joy through the now is a way of getting into right relationship with myself.

If I can extend this compassion to myself, why can’t I do it for those who’ve betrayed or hurt me?

My ethos is grounded in the here and now, living mindfully in the present, as we are here. It’s not that I don’t enjoy the passage of time— queer, crip and intersectional futurism is what I’m striving for— but I am forced to confront the realities of my ancestral past in contrast to my existence in the present. I experience cyclical time, not linear.

I believe I exist to lead with love and everything that entails. It means sitting with uncomfortable feelings and exploring the complexities of interpersonal relationships. It means holding space for others through their underground descents, helping examine the roots of their fears and flaws, and embracing them as gifts that can lead them to deeper intimacy. It also means having the discernment to acknowledge missteps & failure along the way, but give one’s self grace and empathy.

---

On days I feel sad, I practice gratitude to set me on the path of equilibrium. Walking is a form of meditation, and low-impact enough for me to tolerate— so I find myself on more of them. During my walks, I stop and say hello to various people, their dogs and the flora I find along the way. I am thankful to be alive and to take in the splendour of nature. I could never call myself a poet after witnessing the ways Mama Earth finesses Her art. I can only dream of writing well enough to capture the beauty of what I witness.

I am grateful to be loved in such abundance. I am grateful that I love in such abundance and without abandon. Reckless, maybe, but my crip ancestors and elders teach me how to stop and slow down. Slowness is imperative even when it forces me to face my demons. Instead of pouring my love into another person, I pour it back into myself, drenching myself in all-consuming love.

when I am ready, I can share this love with my community.
for now,
rest easy.
enjoy the sunshine, soak it in.
be thankful for today.
🌻

---